This year is about to end.
I have always wanted 2019 to end fast and here I am feeling so grateful that time feels like it is fast.

2019 has been a vey different year, where the first 6 months of 2019 were a bless, and the rest of the months are a curse. It is like I have been living 2019 version 1 and 2019 version 2.

This is where it is going to get cheesy.

This year taught me a lot. Like really a lot

Self Love
True Love
A bond of a family
Friendship
My priority
To explore what I am capable of.

There were ups and down, and I have been tested and be at my lowest past my breaking points but despite that I still walked and laughed it off.


derived from the curse, I am now discover my priority, my goals.

Which may be a bless lying under that curse and I will be grateful and enter 2020 like a lady i should be.

For those that hurt me in 2019

I  fooking forgive you, but I wont bring you to my book of 2020. You are my past and you will stay that way.

To people that I cherish the most, know that I will always be here for you just reached out okay.

To myself, I hope you will reach what you want in 2020 but the only thing that you need to remember is not to give up as

"Success is a repeated effort"

Lets be a person that do good okay.

Bismillah, Assalammualaikum 2020. Lets hope you will turn out good too.

<3

I cant help but think that nosey people really lack of something called love and attention as they like to stick their nose at unnecessary things and getting busy talking about other people's lifes. Anyways this one shot of a year is about to end, lets not be dumb in 2020 and lets be people with good common sense.




hint: Raja Chulan


2 more days before freedom! 

there are about 14 days left before everything ends.

Working in a corporate world isnt really my niche. I figured that since day 1 hence the eagerness to end this all grows bigger every single day.

I know people say that to get out of your box, get out of there and face challenges so that you will grow. But some flowers die when it is too hot, or too cold.

I learn that people grow differently, people face hardships differently. I learn that to stay in the box can be a challenge too.

I dont want to go into the depth of my suffering through this medium, but know that please carefully pick your poison. Make sure if you want to feel pain, make sure that the pain is worthy. That is the kind of challenge that you should face. Not that kind of dumb-ass challenge that you are able to overcome and get nothing in return. No self-grow, no self-improvement, no nothing.

August to December have been shittiest time of the months for me, too many things happen, too  many nerves get triggered. It was like a pain, and then another pain and then add some more. 

That sometimes make me feel, are human supposed to feel miserable like this? continuously? Is this why people do suicide? because they get hurt too much? because they want to end the suffering?

Im getting to know me better.

I wish getting better is easy.

I hope I am getting better.

I just wish that human can be kinder to each other and dont hurt each other. This earth can be a better place.

Why cant we all be kind to each other?

Despite of everything, I know I have people that love me and will support me even with my flaws and I am forever grateful for that. I will be better for them too and avoid myself from doing stupid things. 

I cant wait for december to end but I really dont want January 2020 to happen. Can we skip to fasting month in 2020 instead?

Bismillah semoga urusan lisa dipermudahkan. Contoh cam urusan FYP, urusan kerja, urusan jodoh. belako lah pendek kata. amin amin 

xoxo

maleh aquew

"Sa, are you okay"

"mu okey dok?"

"Kau ok tak ni?"

These basic questions really hit hard.

I am constantly asking myself whether I am okay, or fooking faking that I am okay.

I think I am okay. Please put aside that FYP is killing me. Other than that, suprisingly I am okay.

Yeah I have been through shitstorms. But everybody has the same problems and I have been scrolling Twitter obidiently and find people that have the same problems as me. With that I feel I am not alone and I feel less bad.

I really dont know about the future. I am scared of the future. What if someday I will break down and cry like a ponde. But I will always comfort myself, that is life. You get hurt, you cry, you get the fookin up. That is life. YoU WILL BE okAY. Slowly but surely.

So many plans after the final presentation. Lets get that bread. I am buying the punching bag to learn boxing. If I am dedicated enough I may be able to break some brick-faced. 

MasyaAllah sis is someone that likes peace. I like peace I wont go around punching people.......unless?

You know I leaarn the hard way of art of being okay.

Im pretty sure other people learn things the hard way too.

Such as never leave your food unmonitored,

Never eat too much of spicy foodss *drooling*

or study or else you will feel death the night before examination,

or just fall into the trap of sweet-mouthed fox

Same 'ol stuff.

DUDE LiFE Was woRSE but im okay.

Anyways,

Have you heard of Law of Attraction?

It is like whatever energy we are focusing on, we will get the same energy back. In my opinion, things were like that.

Maybe this year I am too focus on the negative energy, so for the new year resolution. This cute gorl will focus on moreeeeee positive energy.

In case you havent grasp it yet. I am okay.

So, how about you?

I think we gonna be okay :) 

Okay you know what? 26 more days. It is crazy.

I dont think I am ready yet.

I know that you will get tired of hearing this.

But you will be okay. Life will get better, you will get what you want and if not maybe Allah will replace what you want with something better.

Every year is difficult ey? I know. 

Last year I though 2018 was the worse then come along 2019 that prove that Im wrong. 2019 is like the worse year ever.

As we grow up, challenges become harder too. 

But you know what, you will get through that too. Just like how you thought you would fail in 2018 but now here you are in 2019 reading this pathetic excuse of a blog. You will be okay.

#26moredays

#doakanlisasiapFYP

You know each day I am only thinking of giving up, oh just to walk away and gamble everything. But I dont have the wild card nor the dark horse. I am alone not occupied with the four horsemen. Ah I just want to give up. 

My thoughts they are too loud, my lips dont even move. I am turning deaf but I can still hear voices, my hands are strained but I can feel the touch.

I am too nervous, my heart beat rate per minute is too normal but why do I feel the blood pumping too fast? 

Denial stage, stages of grief. 

All the internship things have been driving me crazy, ah came the malo along adding more flavours to this darkened soul. Ah I wish I am calm in the inside too. 

I tried everything

meditation

friggin motivational quote

Talking

making dumb jokes

distraction...distraction...distraction

escapism no longer works, my escapism phase is twisting me up and the red ribbon is getting longer. I just want everything to end. But I see no end to the red ribbon.

Why wont they work? I need them to work so that I can be strong.

Why wont they help me become positive so that I can be kinder.

I tried everything. 

I am tired, so tired.

Im gonna leave everything to Him and let Him shows me the ways. Im just gonna have to hold on and try to be kinder inside out.

Bismillah, may Allah eases the way for us.

I dont want to give up just yet. 

Lately I have been so friggin active on blogging and it is weird. 

People tell me in order to channel those deep feelings. Write or talk about it.

I am bad with talking because I will end up crying like a ponde when talking about sad things. I kenod weh I get sad like so easy I mean there were few days back my friend wants to buy gift for the kekasih and I was like omg that is so sweet and then suddenly i remember that im ugly and no one will buy me gift and air mata menitik sebutir dua.

So i need a boost and forced my sibilings to compliment me. Totally supportive. Im a total cutiepie okay. You can ask them!

I really like to write. Like really do. I write a lot of things back then such as short stories, poems, made up lyrics..

I didnt write on blog that much before. I mean you can see the evidence on my archives list. I only posted one on 2018! Im lazy. I like to hold my pen and scribbled on books. I once had a book that have collection of poems and short stories that I wrote myself. Soon I will share them if I am generous.

anyways didnt I tell you guys that Iisten to music to make my anxiety go away? I think that method is invalid because all the songs remind me of bad memories. Radio kept playing the same 'ol songs, playlist on shuffle the same songs and the anxiety is striked.  I really hate my earphones right now. 

On the side note, to people that get nervous really bad, you should start breathing practices. You know when you count for inhale, hold and exhale? Yeah practice that okay. I hope you can find ways to cope with that <3

Anyways.. I have like so many plans after internship so maybe I will not be active on blogging as much as I am now. Okay the plans are generally related to inflow cash and outflow cash. Maybe will focus on the outflow cash lol.

There were many days till the internship phase. I am making bombs here and there, putting on mines, installing traps there and here. Nah just kidding. 

Actually Im working on a long-term commitment for my life. My life could really be different after this haha i dont know but please whoever that is reading my blog post can you pray for me to be strong and never give up? Thank you so much. I dont want to complain but it is really hard you know balancing between works and my plans. I feel I want to give up everytime and just sleep.

I have gradually accepted that life gets difficult as you grow up. Plus when you are a girl, life gets tons of difficulty I mean we even have troubles to pick colors! Try and imagine other choices that we have to make soon? I literally shiver thinking about that. 

eh by the way, did youu know that when you make du'a, you should be specific?

Bye saya dah habis membebel.

I hope when our path crosses soon,

we will be able to smile to each other.

Im not weak!

im so tired and i wanna give up every second i am here,

this journey is bout to end,

and im about to have a new resolution.

I have lowered my guards for the wrong people,

and I took the love that I think I deserved.

SO WhAT ThE poiNT iN SUffErinG Too Much JusT to LivE?

whats the point of hearbreak?

whats the point of binge shopping?

whats the point of being broke?

whats the point of eating too much?

whats the point of eating too less?

whats the point of those numbers on scales?

whats the point of 3X SPICY MCD CIKEN!!?

what is the point?

Usually I think that, pain is just the way of life. I see pain when I open my bank account, but do that stop me from buying things? No.

learn to be friend with the hurtful past they said.

it will always be fine.

it is always going to be fine they said.

in this life.

lessons are something vital.

to get hurt is really unavoidable isn't it?

I was whining about how you lied to me,

but sometimes i forget that you are a human too.

Human is bound to make mistakes..

i dont know,

but somehow i feel that you get hurt too?

from my action of running and pushing you away?

so you get mad.

i know you do.

you might say you dont,

but i know you better,

we were friends :)

Among all of these people,

You showed me yourself,

The reason I dont listen to rumours were because

i know how you act,

I know you are a kind soul,

but i dont know why you did what you did.

you know,

one of these days,

im gonna get married and so do you.

and we will never be in touch anymore.

but i never thought we would become stranger too fast and I even havent finished my internship phase yet.

dear friend, i miss you.

You know back in the days, you make me laugh the most. There were few times you sang, you were once my comfort zone. My escapism. My piece of peace. NOw that they were all gone, i feel the loss and it is not pleasant.

friends dont keep secrets and how can i trust you?

i dont even wear pink these days, all black to the soul.

It has been like eternity since we last talked.

But i feel like i just wished you "Goodmorning" this morning.

Time do flies, but why memories of you stay?

These days, memories are coming lesser and lesser.

Also, there were days like today,

where i remember your stupid jokes and your silly face.

and how i miss all of that,

but i can't and shouldn't.

instead I wrote a blog post about it.

and at the end of the day,

slowly that i have come to a term that,

even though after all what had happened between us,

I still miss you.

but i wanna tumbok your face too.

there is no in between. I miss you and I want to tumbok your face.

and I am sure that you already live a happy life tanpa memikirkan gue. untung banget dea lo. gue mahu begitu juga. sokay slowly but surely.

Live well okay dear friend. I hope the best for you.

Escape.

I have been using so many mediums to escape.

You know escapism?

Yeah, escapism.

Before this I went on to the office doing my works eventhough sometimes my brain cant take it anymore. Im still doing my best. Despite that I look like I do nothing. But reading makes your brain tired, and I have been reading to many articles so yeah. I am so fuken tired. Like fatigue. Almost die and that is when I want to escape the most. But Im still doing my best, sebab my task is my responsibility and that comes my rezeki. Rezeki halal is the only vibe that is important. 

I am a fuken escapist.

I escape from a lot of things,

I use a lot of people to escape,

My reality isnt that pleasant,

But hearing other people complaining about things that they can change in short amount of time is so frustrating.

I am just insensitive,

small things for me maybe big things for them,

Big things for me maybe small things for them,

So I  escape a lot.

Through writing,

Through my family,

Through music,

Through food (3x Spicy Ciken),

Through sleeping,

and the most important is through talking to Him.

The best thing about escapism is that, 

they distract you from the bitter reality.

The worse thing about escapism is  that,

the distraction is only temporary.

When you have been escaping a lot,

the bitter reality is waiting on you and wreck you from inside.

Slowly.......and when that time comes out, you will be wreck from inside and out.

Which is dangerous because that is where tendency to hurt yourself emerged.

or you kinda blow up and turn into some batshit crazy.

either one...or both

Escape is good, im not saying it is a bad thing. Dude i have been escaping for a long time now c'mon.

For me, escapism is a me-time. A time for me to calm the heck down, and repair what needs to be repaired inside me but sometimes I just need more.

You dont have to escape for a long time, but try to make that escape short and sweet. you know? Enough to fix that hole in the heart.

I know that well, these days are really hard. Go to hell with it, this year is hard as a whole. 2019 can be considered as a curse. A catastrophe. At least it is for me. So many bullshits I have been gone through. These upcoming bulls for the next two months should be easy aite and i will be able to go through them too yes? They should be easy. I mean I survived those bulls back in the days and still breathing.

You know, when you get involved with too many people, especially the ones that are sometimes have too many bulls, you open the room for them to hurt you and make your reality ugly.

I am not hindering from making new friends. Be nice to all, but be very careful of whom you gonna let into your heart okey?

I dont want you to get hurt like I do and do the escapism thingy longer.

I am alive now is  the proof that I am stronger. There are no scars on my wrist, there are no pills and I  still have my family and that is okay.  In fact, that is great. 

I am in verge of breaking down.

But Mark Manson said

"Fu*k your feelings"

and I am going to do it. Slowly....but surely.

So, go to hell negative feelings. Needing you shall none! 

I am going to fight as soon as I wake up and stops when I fall asleep. 

Woke up. Fight. Sleeping. 

Repeat the circle.

Gaji baru masuk but I feel broke already.

61 more days, cepatlah jadi 1. I hate large number because im singel ko singel jum arr kaple.

Have you heard of MOnday blues?

Okay today is a fecking tuesday blues.

Lately i have been too hard on myself,

I do things that I never force myself to do,

I have make myself in following solely on my sheer willpower and intuition.

Which are deadly when they come in both.

Alas, my intuition most of the times were correct.

Which makes me so frigin worried that this new intuition of mine is correct too.

I am afraid the new me will be the villain.

I am too hard on myself,

Been putting rules and restriction,

Been teaching myself the subtle art of not giving f**k,

Been learning on how to be like deep water.

Calm but deadly.

Putting walls around that beating red thing,

Putting big lock,

Throwing the key to the deep ocean.

At the end of the day, I am going to save myself too.

and it is hard saving someone that is doesnt want to be saved.

I am drowning but I dont wanna save me.

and it is hard missing someone that is doesnt need to be missed.

but I still miss you and is it a bad thing?

To have such a fragile heart?

63 days more bunoh shajerlha aquew. 

yo,

These days Im up to few things

1.. Call of Duty

2. Saying no to sugar

3. Saying yes to 3x Spciy Chicken

4. Call of Duty

5. Maleficient 2

Online game is addictive. I can play online game for a day straight and not feel a thing and the moment I get up for work Im tired and turning into some batshit crazy which is not a bad  thing? Kinda... Im coping with my stress through game! So it is not a bad thing. I have been killing people online, espcially when I saw a name that I hated so much, I killed that person thrice as hard uwu. No hard feelings I am born to be a winner even if its just an online game wuu. So, if you have been looking ways to cope, try to play online game. Or not.  Lantak lo.

And then, saying no to sugar. You know diabetes is a thing right now. A really huge deal and I really like my toes despite they are being short but I really like them. So I have to cut sugar lose. But sometimes to err is human. I drank those teh ais limau and milo ais. Forgive me dearself, for I have betrayed you. But I make it up by drinking a lot of water. Drink water to stay hidrated!

To err is human part two is I keep saying yes to 3x Spicy CHicken. Bunoh sajherla aquew. To get rid of cravings of McD is impossible! But woke up the next morning feeling like a sore loser because of the stomach ache and feeling wanting to throw up. It is an endless circle every week! But hey I would like a regular set of 3x Spicy Chicken plEasee.

My skin is progressing slowly towards to its best condiition as there are less pimples and scars are fading away. Alhamdulillah. The vibes my skin give are also just nice. Not too positive, not too negative. On the fence.  There are still minimum dryness which is of course can be lessen using the moisturizer. Overall it is okay. 

Man, have you seen Maleficient 2? The movie is good if I were to give you a rating I would give 8.9/10. I dont like the ending, because it has a lamb. They should have made lamb chop instead zzz what a waste of opportunity. Angelina was a beauty in it, I aspire to be that powerful and..... I figure that, at the end of the day, a man couldnt saved you. So, go make yourself strong first. You gotta protect you and your future children soon. 

Life is OKAY but please push aside that the fact that money is draining like a tap water. I did buy things............Im still deciding whether those things are needs or just lust.  101 Guide on How to Be Broke by Lisa.

You know those lil pangs that you get when you are dissapointed? 

Those pangs rarely come anymore.

I think i am adapting bit by bit.

So how about you?

I would be lying to say that it has stopped hurting

I would be lying to say that i don't remember about you

I cant seem to think bad about you

All I ever remember was how happy you made me back then.

But then i dont like playing around,

Messing around is not my cup of tea, but they were your cup tea.

I thought I am slowly healing

But there were days I feel like i am back to square one.

But these thoughts about you have stopped coming in regularly.

They just come at me when I am alone,

They just come at me when I am alone,

They just come at me when I feel I am alone.

So I tried to not be alone.

Finding new hobbies, setting new goals, mending broken friendships, importantly start focusing on my family.

All I ever want is to live in peace and I cant do that with you standing so close.

You know those songs that you shared?

I stopped listening to them.

The voicenotes of you singing?

I deleted them.

Your pictures?

They already left my phone's memory.

I no longer viewed you statuses.

I no longer talked about you to my friend.

I no longer read our old texts.

I no longer miss you.

The only thing to get rid now is only the memories of you.

Which I am sure that it will take a lot of times.

Ah I how I wished those things that happened never happened between us. 

If I was so clear of your intention, 

I could have avoided you from day 0.

I would have make myself so fucking expensive that you would not even dare to look my way.

I would have respected myself more,

I would have respected myself more,

I would have respected myself more,

I would have love myself more,

I would have love myself more,

I would have love myself more,

RM told to love yourself more,

I should have listened.

I would have to be so expensive.

I should have known, the moment I set aside my self pride,

It would be a red warning for me, 

That you werent the one.

That you are only there for a lesson for me.

A lesson for the lifetime

That words are cheap.

You know, 

I never wished for anything bad to happen to you.

Instead I want you to succeed just like how you told me what you want to be.

I hope you will achieve your dream soon.

I can only pray for your success from afar.

Because before we were this,

You were my friend.

Eventhough now you were just a history.

I wish our path shall never cross. For my own good, and for you too.

Lets part way,

Delete me from your life. 

I dont think what we have now can be save anymore.

They are ruined by your secrets.

Have a good life, im gonna have mine too without your presence.

Lets back to square one.

To being a stranger.

This is my goodbye.

She was fine being all alone. Just the darkness of the river and the tiny brightening bulbs flying around without a care. She walked and walked and walked. She wanted to sleep.

"Argh darn you caffeine. Thank you so much I have got class at 8am come on!"

It was 3am and she still could not sleep. So she sat down by the river bank and just mooning away.

The thing is when sitting on the grass was that her butt is itchy. She scratched and became restless. The beauty of the tiny bulbs no longer captivating, the calmness of the night has no ability in soothing her anymore.  Now came along mosquitos to ruin her night. She decided enough is enough.

Just about when she wanted to stand up, there were rustling in the bushes and she stopped dead on her movement. It was 3am and she was very alone and high on caffeine. The rustling had becoming louder and closer. She was shaking and suddenly wishing that she is at home instead of being alone here. 

"hEY TheRE what are you doing all alone here, girl with constellations on her face " 

She fainted. 

Well at least now we know that she got what she want. A sleep.

That is one hell of a cliff hanger.

To be blessed with longevity and protected from any bad things can be rezeki too and I am forever grateful that HE still protects my family. May everything is going to be fine and everyone is always happy and healthy. Amin.- (29 September 2019)

Guys, healing process is quite slow. 

Im feeling like a turtle or even worse.....a three toed sloth.

But i am healing so that is actually a progress.

Fighting!

Anyways I read a book on something sounded like art of not giving a f*ck

So I thought I want to share my opinion on this.

This book is actually quite good.

So lets just fit that in my life.

I have been known as a person that is oblivious to everything. Someone that rarely shows emotion, someone that feels no fear or actually know what nervous means. People just dont believe me when I said that I am nervous. In the simplest words, people just know that I reaaally dont give a f*ck.

I dont have a resting b*tch face, I have a resting b*tch attitude. Yeah I am actually resting.

But deep down, I really do give a f*ck, I just dont show them. 

Ah this post started to become so harsh with the words... I am sorry, but I did sensor em. 

Now I am learning on how to mastering the art and how to sling shot lemons back to life.

Lets get back to the book.

So, this book actually tells that we are...indeed ungrateful and loser beings in world that is waiting to be destroyed.

Lets say that, we have this mindset of 

"I will be happy if I get this"

"I am only happy if I am skinnier"

"If I get the highest mark, damn Im not gonna complain"

That is not true, there is not formula to stay in the happy bubble, Even if you get what you want, you will find another messed-up-things to be sad and unhappy about. 

We are so in love of the result, the outcomes but sometimes we forget that... the lesson in life comes from the process to achieve the outcomes.

It is just like we want to get the sweetest apple from the tree, but we dont want to soil our hands with the dirts and fertilizer. We didnt even bother to actually start planning the tree!

That is my ladies and gentleman. A human.

We want that certain happiness, we love the idea of being happy created by our own safe bubble but we dont want the pain that comes with it.

The pain is actually quite good.

Mind you I am not a masochist.

What I am trying to say is pain helps you to be stronger. Pain teaches you how to be careful. Pain teaches you not to let your guard down, Pain teaches you to love right. 

Pain is wrong when you isolate yourself, pain is dangerous when you think of wanting to end everything, pain is unhealthy when you started to doubt and be harsh on yourself. 

I know all of us know pain. It is either you are the cause of the pain, or you get the pain. 

Pain can be the stepping stone for you to be better, stronger, prettier version of yourself. Be smart to handle those pain. Pain can be a beauty too you know.

What gives you happiness today, might not be remembered for the next year.

What hurts you today, you will laugh at it tomorrow.

What makes you cry yourself to sleep last night, wont even have a place in your mind the next few weeks.

Because nothing last forever and we are all going to die anyway. Judging from the climate change and destroyed ecosystem, I guess we will die sooner.

Yeah the book reminded me that we are all going to die. So, lets die as a champion against our worst enemy. Our own self.

I just read like 60++ pages of the book on train...................im so lazy bunoh sajerlha aquew

But I am trying to be stronger, this book actually helps me a bit and it is humorous. So, go read it! 

I know life is hard. Life is very hard. Life can be very hard when you think you are alone. Indeed life is hard and we are all losers. The best that we can do is to become a respectable loser. I dont know how to explain it, but I hope you get the ideas.

Learn the i dont give a f*ck attitude so that you can stare dead right through your enemy and walk away to be a human with pride.

That sums up basically everything :)  I hope you get the strength and support that you need and be a better person just for you first.