You know each day I am only thinking of giving up, oh just to walk away and gamble everything. But I dont have the wild card nor the dark horse. I am alone not occupied with the four horsemen. Ah I just want to give up. 

My thoughts they are too loud, my lips dont even move. I am turning deaf but I can still hear voices, my hands are strained but I can feel the touch.

I am too nervous, my heart beat rate per minute is too normal but why do I feel the blood pumping too fast? 

Denial stage, stages of grief. 

All the internship things have been driving me crazy, ah came the malo along adding more flavours to this darkened soul. Ah I wish I am calm in the inside too. 

I tried everything

meditation

friggin motivational quote

Talking

making dumb jokes

distraction...distraction...distraction

escapism no longer works, my escapism phase is twisting me up and the red ribbon is getting longer. I just want everything to end. But I see no end to the red ribbon.

Why wont they work? I need them to work so that I can be strong.

Why wont they help me become positive so that I can be kinder.

I tried everything. 

I am tired, so tired.

Im gonna leave everything to Him and let Him shows me the ways. Im just gonna have to hold on and try to be kinder inside out.

Bismillah, may Allah eases the way for us.

I dont want to give up just yet.