You know each day I am only thinking of giving up, oh just to walk away and gamble everything. But I dont have the wild card nor the dark horse. I am alone not occupied with the four horsemen. Ah I just want to give up.
My thoughts they are too loud, my lips dont even move. I am turning deaf but I can still hear voices, my hands are strained but I can feel the touch.
I am too nervous, my heart beat rate per minute is too normal but why do I feel the blood pumping too fast?
Denial stage, stages of grief.
All the internship things have been driving me crazy, ah came the malo along adding more flavours to this darkened soul. Ah I wish I am calm in the inside too.
I tried everything
meditation
friggin motivational quote
Talking
making dumb jokes
distraction...distraction...distraction
escapism no longer works, my escapism phase is twisting me up and the red ribbon is getting longer. I just want everything to end. But I see no end to the red ribbon.
Why wont they work? I need them to work so that I can be strong.
Why wont they help me become positive so that I can be kinder.
I tried everything.
I am tired, so tired.
Im gonna leave everything to Him and let Him shows me the ways. Im just gonna have to hold on and try to be kinder inside out.
Bismillah, may Allah eases the way for us.
I dont want to give up just yet.
Lately I have been so friggin active on blogging and it is weird.
People tell me in order to channel those deep feelings. Write or talk about it.
I am bad with talking because I will end up crying like a ponde when talking about sad things. I kenod weh I get sad like so easy I mean there were few days back my friend wants to buy gift for the kekasih and I was like omg that is so sweet and then suddenly i remember that im ugly and no one will buy me gift and air mata menitik sebutir dua.
So i need a boost and forced my sibilings to compliment me. Totally supportive. Im a total cutiepie okay. You can ask them!
I really like to write. Like really do. I write a lot of things back then such as short stories, poems, made up lyrics..
I didnt write on blog that much before. I mean you can see the evidence on my archives list. I only posted one on 2018! Im lazy. I like to hold my pen and scribbled on books. I once had a book that have collection of poems and short stories that I wrote myself. Soon I will share them if I am generous.
anyways didnt I tell you guys that Iisten to music to make my anxiety go away? I think that method is invalid because all the songs remind me of bad memories. Radio kept playing the same 'ol songs, playlist on shuffle the same songs and the anxiety is striked. I really hate my earphones right now.
On the side note, to people that get nervous really bad, you should start breathing practices. You know when you count for inhale, hold and exhale? Yeah practice that okay. I hope you can find ways to cope with that <3
Anyways.. I have like so many plans after internship so maybe I will not be active on blogging as much as I am now. Okay the plans are generally related to inflow cash and outflow cash. Maybe will focus on the outflow cash lol.
There were many days till the internship phase. I am making bombs here and there, putting on mines, installing traps there and here. Nah just kidding.
Actually Im working on a long-term commitment for my life. My life could really be different after this haha i dont know but please whoever that is reading my blog post can you pray for me to be strong and never give up? Thank you so much. I dont want to complain but it is really hard you know balancing between works and my plans. I feel I want to give up everytime and just sleep.
I have gradually accepted that life gets difficult as you grow up. Plus when you are a girl, life gets tons of difficulty I mean we even have troubles to pick colors! Try and imagine other choices that we have to make soon? I literally shiver thinking about that.
eh by the way, did youu know that when you make du'a, you should be specific?
Bye saya dah habis membebel.
I hope when our path crosses soon,
we will be able to smile to each other.
Im not weak!
*proceed in crying silently*
ah im such a weak at heart,
im so tired and i wanna give up every second i am here,
but i have come so far,
this journey is bout to end,
and im about to have a new resolution.
That is to love and respect myself more.
I have been taken myself for granted these few years back,
I have lowered my guards for the wrong people,
and I took the love that I think I deserved.
when I should deserved so much because i know I deserve the best.
I am slowly making peace with every single bulls that arrived. Yeah that come in persons too. Slowly aite. Maybe going for 1 km/h. A tad bit faster than turtles. Dont use straws guys, save the turtles!
BUt I swear to God. Making peace is hard especially when you just want to burn them down. Not literally of course. I like peace started when I was 18, i am a peace-lover.
Why not at 12 years old you said? Or why not 11...10... or even 17 ...etc etc?
Yeah I started to punch people in the face for uttering bulls at the age of 9. There were many memories of me KO-ing people that Im gonna tell my future daughters soon.
"My child, if a person hurt you and talk bad about you. You go and punch them in the face. That will shut them."
But I am embracing the pigeon. Instead Im going to tell them.
"Held your head high and walk away from contagious stupidity my child."
Anyways back to our non-intellectual discussion.
So I do the most Lisa's thing to do. I listen to songs and make peace with myself. Lately I have found a new song that fit my sometimes a pathetic life but im not gonna share the list here because I am kedekut asf. Deal with it. Go find your own songs zzzz
...and you know how ridiculous life is?
I think life is the most ridiculous and you know what? The ending is going to be us "DEAD"
we gonna die
...yeah read that again
we gonna die
SO WhAT ThE poiNT iN SUffErinG Too Much JusT to LivE?
whats the point of overthinking?
whats the point of hearbreak?
whats the point of binge shopping?
whats the point of being broke?
whats the point of eating too much?
whats the point of eating too less?
whats the point of those numbers on scales?
whats the point of 3X SPICY MCD CIKEN!!?
what is the point?
Usually I think that, pain is just the way of life. I see pain when I open my bank account, but do that stop me from buying things? No.
I always think that pain is something that us human needs to feel. It is a feeling. Unlike you. You are a pain. Yeah Im talking about you.
But I aint gonna live with that pain hanging heavy on my chest. Dude I got a life. My life isnt fun, but I have one. Sometimes they gave you life too you know, when you go and buy KFC chickens. They come in small white packets. You should go there sometimes. I tried them. Its spiceyyy. There were sour versions too. 100/10 recommended.
You know, when you feel down sometimes you need a boost. For me I need a boost to feed the narcist monster inside me. Sometimes I just let it starve to prevent catastrophe from happening. Sometimes I just dont care.
Dude Im own up my title, and I show you far more than that
......but after I get my mess cleaned up and I procrastinate a lot so that maybe gonna take a while :')
Lets get serious okay. I often blame things on myself for something bad that I cannot control. I often blame myself when someone being bad to me and I kept saying that it is my fault that I am never perfect.
You know, when people hurt you. It is their choice. But never blame yourself.
You know how bad it is to have anxiety and shaking as soon as you wake up? To feel dead inside sampaikan you need to find another alternatives just to not let it shows? Untuk biasakan ekspresi muka supaya tidak nampak yang sebenarnya kat dalam tu dah kosong? To hide that we are just an empty case for the body?
I dont want you to feel that.
I think whats the point in life is to just...is to live well so that kita boleh tolong orang lain you know.
You will feel better after you do good deeds. Trust me. But if you feel like a shit after you do good deeds, Masya Allah sistur go check your iman at CheckyouIman apps on playstore.
Live well, dont hurt yourself
...and dont be a ho. This is very important.
49 more days guys come on I need single number! Masa plish lah lari cepat sikit kenapa stamina lemah sangat ni masa kenapa!
learn to be friend with the hurtful past they said.
it will always be fine.
it is always going to be fine they said.
in this life.
lessons are something vital.
to get hurt is really unavoidable isn't it?
I was whining about how you lied to me,
but sometimes i forget that you are a human too.
Human is bound to make mistakes..
i dont know,
but somehow i feel that you get hurt too?
from my action of running and pushing you away?
so you get mad.
i know you do.
you might say you dont,
but i know you better,
we were friends :)
Among all of these people,
You showed me yourself,
The reason I dont listen to rumours were because
i know how you act,
I know you are a kind soul,
but i dont know why you did what you did.
you know,
one of these days,
im gonna get married and so do you.
and we will never be in touch anymore.
but i never thought we would become stranger too fast and I even havent finished my internship phase yet.
dear friend, i miss you.
You know back in the days, you make me laugh the most. There were few times you sang, you were once my comfort zone. My escapism. My piece of peace. NOw that they were all gone, i feel the loss and it is not pleasant.
friends dont keep secrets and how can i trust you?
i dont even wear pink these days, all black to the soul.
It has been like eternity since we last talked.
But i feel like i just wished you "Goodmorning" this morning.
Time do flies, but why memories of you stay?
These days, memories are coming lesser and lesser.
Also, there were days like today,
where i remember your stupid jokes and your silly face.
and how i miss all of that,
but i can't and shouldn't.
instead I wrote a blog post about it.
and at the end of the day,
slowly that i have come to a term that,
even though after all what had happened between us,
I still miss you.
but i wanna tumbok your face too.
there is no in between. I miss you and I want to tumbok your face.
and I am sure that you already live a happy life tanpa memikirkan gue. untung banget dea lo. gue mahu begitu juga. sokay slowly but surely.
Live well okay dear friend. I hope the best for you.
