Escape.
I have been using so many mediums to escape.
You know escapism?
Yeah, escapism.
Before this I went on to the office doing my works eventhough sometimes my brain cant take it anymore. Im still doing my best. Despite that I look like I do nothing. But reading makes your brain tired, and I have been reading to many articles so yeah. I am so fuken tired. Like fatigue. Almost die and that is when I want to escape the most. But Im still doing my best, sebab my task is my responsibility and that comes my rezeki. Rezeki halal is the only vibe that is important.
I am a fuken escapist.
I escape from a lot of things,
I use a lot of people to escape,
My reality isnt that pleasant,
But hearing other people complaining about things that they can change in short amount of time is so frustrating.
I am just insensitive,
small things for me maybe big things for them,
Big things for me maybe small things for them,
So I escape a lot.
Through writing,
Through my family,
Through music,
Through food (3x Spicy Ciken),
Through sleeping,
and the most important is through talking to Him.
The best thing about escapism is that,
they distract you from the bitter reality.
The worse thing about escapism is that,
the distraction is only temporary.
When you have been escaping a lot,
the bitter reality is waiting on you and wreck you from inside.
Slowly.......and when that time comes out, you will be wreck from inside and out.
Which is dangerous because that is where tendency to hurt yourself emerged.
or you kinda blow up and turn into some batshit crazy.
either one...or both
Escape is good, im not saying it is a bad thing. Dude i have been escaping for a long time now c'mon.
For me, escapism is a me-time. A time for me to calm the heck down, and repair what needs to be repaired inside me but sometimes I just need more.
You dont have to escape for a long time, but try to make that escape short and sweet. you know? Enough to fix that hole in the heart.
I know that well, these days are really hard. Go to hell with it, this year is hard as a whole. 2019 can be considered as a curse. A catastrophe. At least it is for me. So many bullshits I have been gone through. These upcoming bulls for the next two months should be easy aite and i will be able to go through them too yes? They should be easy. I mean I survived those bulls back in the days and still breathing.
You know, when you get involved with too many people, especially the ones that are sometimes have too many bulls, you open the room for them to hurt you and make your reality ugly.
I am not hindering from making new friends. Be nice to all, but be very careful of whom you gonna let into your heart okey?
I dont want you to get hurt like I do and do the escapism thingy longer.
I am alive now is the proof that I am stronger. There are no scars on my wrist, there are no pills and I still have my family and that is okay. In fact, that is great.
I am in verge of breaking down.
But Mark Manson said
"Fu*k your feelings"
and I am going to do it. Slowly....but surely.
So, go to hell negative feelings. Needing you shall none!
I am going to fight as soon as I wake up and stops when I fall asleep.
Woke up. Fight. Sleeping.
Repeat the circle.
Gaji baru masuk but I feel broke already.
61 more days, cepatlah jadi 1. I hate large number because im singel ko singel jum arr kaple.
Have you heard of MOnday blues?
Okay today is a fecking tuesday blues.
Lately i have been too hard on myself,
I do things that I never force myself to do,
I have make myself in following solely on my sheer willpower and intuition.
Which are deadly when they come in both.
Alas, my intuition most of the times were correct.
Which makes me so frigin worried that this new intuition of mine is correct too.
I am afraid the new me will be the villain.
I am too hard on myself,
Been putting rules and restriction,
Been teaching myself the subtle art of not giving f**k,
Been learning on how to be like deep water.
Calm but deadly.
Putting walls around that beating red thing,
Putting big lock,
Throwing the key to the deep ocean.
At the end of the day, I am going to save myself too.
and it is hard saving someone that is doesnt want to be saved.
I am drowning but I dont wanna save me.
and it is hard missing someone that is doesnt need to be missed.
but I still miss you and is it a bad thing?
To have such a fragile heart?
63 days more bunoh shajerlha aquew.
yo,
These days Im up to few things
1.. Call of Duty
2. Saying no to sugar
3. Saying yes to 3x Spciy Chicken
4. Call of Duty
5. Maleficient 2
Online game is addictive. I can play online game for a day straight and not feel a thing and the moment I get up for work Im tired and turning into some batshit crazy which is not a bad thing? Kinda... Im coping with my stress through game! So it is not a bad thing. I have been killing people online, espcially when I saw a name that I hated so much, I killed that person thrice as hard uwu. No hard feelings I am born to be a winner even if its just an online game wuu. So, if you have been looking ways to cope, try to play online game. Or not. Lantak lo.
And then, saying no to sugar. You know diabetes is a thing right now. A really huge deal and I really like my toes despite they are being short but I really like them. So I have to cut sugar lose. But sometimes to err is human. I drank those teh ais limau and milo ais. Forgive me dearself, for I have betrayed you. But I make it up by drinking a lot of water. Drink water to stay hidrated!
To err is human part two is I keep saying yes to 3x Spicy CHicken. Bunoh sajherla aquew. To get rid of cravings of McD is impossible! But woke up the next morning feeling like a sore loser because of the stomach ache and feeling wanting to throw up. It is an endless circle every week! But hey I would like a regular set of 3x Spicy Chicken plEasee.
My skin is progressing slowly towards to its best condiition as there are less pimples and scars are fading away. Alhamdulillah. The vibes my skin give are also just nice. Not too positive, not too negative. On the fence. There are still minimum dryness which is of course can be lessen using the moisturizer. Overall it is okay.
Man, have you seen Maleficient 2? The movie is good if I were to give you a rating I would give 8.9/10. I dont like the ending, because it has a lamb. They should have made lamb chop instead zzz what a waste of opportunity. Angelina was a beauty in it, I aspire to be that powerful and..... I figure that, at the end of the day, a man couldnt saved you. So, go make yourself strong first. You gotta protect you and your future children soon.
Life is OKAY but please push aside that the fact that money is draining like a tap water. I did buy things............Im still deciding whether those things are needs or just lust. 101 Guide on How to Be Broke by Lisa.
You know those lil pangs that you get when you are dissapointed?
Those pangs rarely come anymore.
I think i am adapting bit by bit.
So how about you?
I would be lying to say that it has stopped hurting
I would be lying to say that i don't remember about you
I cant seem to think bad about you
All I ever remember was how happy you made me back then.
But then i dont like playing around,
Messing around is not my cup of tea, but they were your cup tea.
I thought I am slowly healing
But there were days I feel like i am back to square one.
But these thoughts about you have stopped coming in regularly.
They just come at me when I am alone,
They just come at me when I am alone,
They just come at me when I feel I am alone.
So I tried to not be alone.
Finding new hobbies, setting new goals, mending broken friendships, importantly start focusing on my family.
All I ever want is to live in peace and I cant do that with you standing so close.
You know those songs that you shared?
I stopped listening to them.
The voicenotes of you singing?
I deleted them.
Your pictures?
They already left my phone's memory.
I no longer viewed you statuses.
I no longer talked about you to my friend.
I no longer read our old texts.
I no longer miss you.
The only thing to get rid now is only the memories of you.
Which I am sure that it will take a lot of times.
Ah I how I wished those things that happened never happened between us.
If I was so clear of your intention,
I could have avoided you from day 0.
I would have make myself so fucking expensive that you would not even dare to look my way.
I would have respected myself more,
I would have respected myself more,
I would have respected myself more,
I would have love myself more,
I would have love myself more,
I would have love myself more,
RM told to love yourself more,
I should have listened.
I would have to be so expensive.
I should have known, the moment I set aside my self pride,
It would be a red warning for me,
That you werent the one.
That you are only there for a lesson for me.
A lesson for the lifetime
That words are cheap.
You know,
I never wished for anything bad to happen to you.
Instead I want you to succeed just like how you told me what you want to be.
I hope you will achieve your dream soon.
I can only pray for your success from afar.
Because before we were this,
You were my friend.
Eventhough now you were just a history.
I wish our path shall never cross. For my own good, and for you too.
Lets part way,
Delete me from your life.
I dont think what we have now can be save anymore.
They are ruined by your secrets.
Have a good life, im gonna have mine too without your presence.
Lets back to square one.
To being a stranger.
This is my goodbye.
She was fine being all alone. Just the darkness of the river and the tiny brightening bulbs flying around without a care. She walked and walked and walked. She wanted to sleep.
"Argh darn you caffeine. Thank you so much I have got class at 8am come on!"
It was 3am and she still could not sleep. So she sat down by the river bank and just mooning away.
The thing is when sitting on the grass was that her butt is itchy. She scratched and became restless. The beauty of the tiny bulbs no longer captivating, the calmness of the night has no ability in soothing her anymore. Now came along mosquitos to ruin her night. She decided enough is enough.
Just about when she wanted to stand up, there were rustling in the bushes and she stopped dead on her movement. It was 3am and she was very alone and high on caffeine. The rustling had becoming louder and closer. She was shaking and suddenly wishing that she is at home instead of being alone here.
"hEY TheRE what are you doing all alone here, girl with constellations on her face "
She fainted.
Well at least now we know that she got what she want. A sleep.
That is one hell of a cliff hanger.
