This year is about to end.
I have always wanted 2019 to end fast and here I am feeling so grateful that time feels like it is fast.

2019 has been a vey different year, where the first 6 months of 2019 were a bless, and the rest of the months are a curse. It is like I have been living 2019 version 1 and 2019 version 2.

This is where it is going to get cheesy.

This year taught me a lot. Like really a lot

Self Love
True Love
A bond of a family
Friendship
My priority
To explore what I am capable of.

There were ups and down, and I have been tested and be at my lowest past my breaking points but despite that I still walked and laughed it off.


derived from the curse, I am now discover my priority, my goals.

Which may be a bless lying under that curse and I will be grateful and enter 2020 like a lady i should be.

For those that hurt me in 2019

I  fooking forgive you, but I wont bring you to my book of 2020. You are my past and you will stay that way.

To people that I cherish the most, know that I will always be here for you just reached out okay.

To myself, I hope you will reach what you want in 2020 but the only thing that you need to remember is not to give up as

"Success is a repeated effort"

Lets be a person that do good okay.

Bismillah, Assalammualaikum 2020. Lets hope you will turn out good too.

<3

I cant help but think that nosey people really lack of something called love and attention as they like to stick their nose at unnecessary things and getting busy talking about other people's lifes. Anyways this one shot of a year is about to end, lets not be dumb in 2020 and lets be people with good common sense.




hint: Raja Chulan


2 more days before freedom! 

there are about 14 days left before everything ends.

Working in a corporate world isnt really my niche. I figured that since day 1 hence the eagerness to end this all grows bigger every single day.

I know people say that to get out of your box, get out of there and face challenges so that you will grow. But some flowers die when it is too hot, or too cold.

I learn that people grow differently, people face hardships differently. I learn that to stay in the box can be a challenge too.

I dont want to go into the depth of my suffering through this medium, but know that please carefully pick your poison. Make sure if you want to feel pain, make sure that the pain is worthy. That is the kind of challenge that you should face. Not that kind of dumb-ass challenge that you are able to overcome and get nothing in return. No self-grow, no self-improvement, no nothing.

August to December have been shittiest time of the months for me, too many things happen, too  many nerves get triggered. It was like a pain, and then another pain and then add some more. 

That sometimes make me feel, are human supposed to feel miserable like this? continuously? Is this why people do suicide? because they get hurt too much? because they want to end the suffering?

Im getting to know me better.

I wish getting better is easy.

I hope I am getting better.

I just wish that human can be kinder to each other and dont hurt each other. This earth can be a better place.

Why cant we all be kind to each other?

Despite of everything, I know I have people that love me and will support me even with my flaws and I am forever grateful for that. I will be better for them too and avoid myself from doing stupid things. 

I cant wait for december to end but I really dont want January 2020 to happen. Can we skip to fasting month in 2020 instead?

Bismillah semoga urusan lisa dipermudahkan. Contoh cam urusan FYP, urusan kerja, urusan jodoh. belako lah pendek kata. amin amin 

xoxo

maleh aquew

"Sa, are you okay"

"mu okey dok?"

"Kau ok tak ni?"

These basic questions really hit hard.

I am constantly asking myself whether I am okay, or fooking faking that I am okay.

I think I am okay. Please put aside that FYP is killing me. Other than that, suprisingly I am okay.

Yeah I have been through shitstorms. But everybody has the same problems and I have been scrolling Twitter obidiently and find people that have the same problems as me. With that I feel I am not alone and I feel less bad.

I really dont know about the future. I am scared of the future. What if someday I will break down and cry like a ponde. But I will always comfort myself, that is life. You get hurt, you cry, you get the fookin up. That is life. YoU WILL BE okAY. Slowly but surely.

So many plans after the final presentation. Lets get that bread. I am buying the punching bag to learn boxing. If I am dedicated enough I may be able to break some brick-faced. 

MasyaAllah sis is someone that likes peace. I like peace I wont go around punching people.......unless?

You know I leaarn the hard way of art of being okay.

Im pretty sure other people learn things the hard way too.

Such as never leave your food unmonitored,

Never eat too much of spicy foodss *drooling*

or study or else you will feel death the night before examination,

or just fall into the trap of sweet-mouthed fox

Same 'ol stuff.

DUDE LiFE Was woRSE but im okay.

Anyways,

Have you heard of Law of Attraction?

It is like whatever energy we are focusing on, we will get the same energy back. In my opinion, things were like that.

Maybe this year I am too focus on the negative energy, so for the new year resolution. This cute gorl will focus on moreeeeee positive energy.

In case you havent grasp it yet. I am okay.

So, how about you?

I think we gonna be okay :) 

Okay you know what? 26 more days. It is crazy.

I dont think I am ready yet.

I know that you will get tired of hearing this.

But you will be okay. Life will get better, you will get what you want and if not maybe Allah will replace what you want with something better.

Every year is difficult ey? I know. 

Last year I though 2018 was the worse then come along 2019 that prove that Im wrong. 2019 is like the worse year ever.

As we grow up, challenges become harder too. 

But you know what, you will get through that too. Just like how you thought you would fail in 2018 but now here you are in 2019 reading this pathetic excuse of a blog. You will be okay.

#26moredays

#doakanlisasiapFYP

You know each day I am only thinking of giving up, oh just to walk away and gamble everything. But I dont have the wild card nor the dark horse. I am alone not occupied with the four horsemen. Ah I just want to give up. 

My thoughts they are too loud, my lips dont even move. I am turning deaf but I can still hear voices, my hands are strained but I can feel the touch.

I am too nervous, my heart beat rate per minute is too normal but why do I feel the blood pumping too fast? 

Denial stage, stages of grief. 

All the internship things have been driving me crazy, ah came the malo along adding more flavours to this darkened soul. Ah I wish I am calm in the inside too. 

I tried everything

meditation

friggin motivational quote

Talking

making dumb jokes

distraction...distraction...distraction

escapism no longer works, my escapism phase is twisting me up and the red ribbon is getting longer. I just want everything to end. But I see no end to the red ribbon.

Why wont they work? I need them to work so that I can be strong.

Why wont they help me become positive so that I can be kinder.

I tried everything. 

I am tired, so tired.

Im gonna leave everything to Him and let Him shows me the ways. Im just gonna have to hold on and try to be kinder inside out.

Bismillah, may Allah eases the way for us.

I dont want to give up just yet. 

Lately I have been so friggin active on blogging and it is weird. 

People tell me in order to channel those deep feelings. Write or talk about it.

I am bad with talking because I will end up crying like a ponde when talking about sad things. I kenod weh I get sad like so easy I mean there were few days back my friend wants to buy gift for the kekasih and I was like omg that is so sweet and then suddenly i remember that im ugly and no one will buy me gift and air mata menitik sebutir dua.

So i need a boost and forced my sibilings to compliment me. Totally supportive. Im a total cutiepie okay. You can ask them!

I really like to write. Like really do. I write a lot of things back then such as short stories, poems, made up lyrics..

I didnt write on blog that much before. I mean you can see the evidence on my archives list. I only posted one on 2018! Im lazy. I like to hold my pen and scribbled on books. I once had a book that have collection of poems and short stories that I wrote myself. Soon I will share them if I am generous.

anyways didnt I tell you guys that Iisten to music to make my anxiety go away? I think that method is invalid because all the songs remind me of bad memories. Radio kept playing the same 'ol songs, playlist on shuffle the same songs and the anxiety is striked.  I really hate my earphones right now. 

On the side note, to people that get nervous really bad, you should start breathing practices. You know when you count for inhale, hold and exhale? Yeah practice that okay. I hope you can find ways to cope with that <3

Anyways.. I have like so many plans after internship so maybe I will not be active on blogging as much as I am now. Okay the plans are generally related to inflow cash and outflow cash. Maybe will focus on the outflow cash lol.

There were many days till the internship phase. I am making bombs here and there, putting on mines, installing traps there and here. Nah just kidding. 

Actually Im working on a long-term commitment for my life. My life could really be different after this haha i dont know but please whoever that is reading my blog post can you pray for me to be strong and never give up? Thank you so much. I dont want to complain but it is really hard you know balancing between works and my plans. I feel I want to give up everytime and just sleep.

I have gradually accepted that life gets difficult as you grow up. Plus when you are a girl, life gets tons of difficulty I mean we even have troubles to pick colors! Try and imagine other choices that we have to make soon? I literally shiver thinking about that. 

eh by the way, did youu know that when you make du'a, you should be specific?

Bye saya dah habis membebel.

I hope when our path crosses soon,

we will be able to smile to each other.