hey

remember when we thought that 2021 is going to be better?

surprise surprise MCO 2.0

Its new year and i havent written since then just because i dont feel the urge to write. Dalam bahasa kasornya Lisa maleh.

Anyways, outta of blue I want to write again if its just a useless rant that is going spiraling into some gibberish trash talking and somehow making me become more sendu and then cried at the corner of the room.

Im okay. Doing better than before and less broke.

What about to whoever that is reading this. Are you doing fine too?

Any owls, I really want to talk about something. It is not that serious like yall can grab some popcorn and put on those remix songs on full blast coz this topic is light as someone's common sense.

Nearly a year since the rage of Covid-19 has happened. Lets all take a moment and reminiscence all those happy memories that we were all actually going outside and socialize without having to put on the damn masks.Those were the happy days.

The family gatherings,

Not being suffocated by the masks,

Not having to scan on the gahdamit QR Code.

Those were the happy days.

Man, I cant even go on dates! Mainly because not being invited to one tho but that is not the main point!

I have been religiously wearing those masks and the mask-acne i tell you haa.. No kidding, my cheeks become the acne playground. Im pissed. Still cute though~

I miss crowds you know.

LETS ALL JAGA SOP and jangan jaga jodoh orang 

The funny thing is that I dont wanna talk about the Covid-19-ish. We are all just gonna get upset.

Im a fricking 25 years old woman. 25 years old. Been walking this earth for 25 years and still know nothing about this life. One of the odds of coming at this age is that either getting news your silly looking friends gonna be married, having to see your high school friends already have their own minions and some of them are still struggling to just live and making choices whether to eat nasi ayam or mee celup for lunch. Trust me the choices are hard too.

But it is nice tho having those inflows in the account. Materials materials.

I have been the receiving ends of few complaints mainly from my friends and I didnt have that big of a circle but I know there were people that are actually giving up effort in finding their significant other which is something that i can relate too.

I have been asking myself too

When?

Why?

What?

....and who?

There were days I wanna give up too, there were days I want to just sleep in and leave it at the bottom drawer in the unused capacity at the darkest pit on my mind. Just pushing up down and down but then when i saw a lovely pair, the thoughts just emerged right up and I start asking myself. When will I be able to be like that too?

"if its good for you then Allah will give it to you sooner"

Recently, I have been feeling that I am indeed still a child regardless of my age. My inability to take care of myself, my inability to control my emotion and my inability to express my feelings well. I am indeed not ready and have finally come to my senses that I am only for myself right now and started to slowly train my thoughts to find more beauty in life. Taking care of myself is really tiring let alone imagining those tiny minions of me running around dude, i prolly gonna be a zombie.

There are so much things in life and I wish I can see that too. 

But these days living is just living. Im still my 18 years old self vibing to those upbeat songs and making lame jokes. Im still in my own space.

I know that day will come when someone will see the worst in my and still decide to stay. Will see my flaws and still decide that they want me in their life.  Someone that will look at me as if Im the moon during the starry night. 

But till then Im just gonna enjoy life. Theres so much to beauty in life, it is a shame to be down only for one reason aite? 

I think this rant is coming to an end. Your jodoh probably among your friends tho hahahaha yeah I am glaring at you. 

-end-

 at this moment, i am dreading about lots of things

~my job

~my love life

~my car

and myself

can i just like take five from life?

I am tired

An optimist or just loser?

Haa have you heard of

"half empty glass or half full glass" yada yada stuffs.

So for me it depends on the situation.

If you fill the glass full and fricking drink half of it then you will get "half empty glass"

But.... If you fill in bit by bit to the glass until it reaches the middle section then BAM you get half full of glass.

So is life. Life sucks.

May this ends fast, im losing weight just because i can eat heavenly food in bazaar and i cant do that if the quarantine time is prolonged 😭🖐️

Peace out.

I have always love the rain. The way tiny drops hit my nose, the way it just find a place on my palms, the way it caresses my cheeks, the way it falls and absorbs to the ground or even unites with the lines of river and the way it sticks to the flowers and leaves. I really love it. The rain.

It is beautiful. 

So destructive. 

Yet, so soothing. 

I really find the calmness with the sound of bullets of rain that hit the roof. Fell in love with the gloomy atmosphere that it brings together, making the sky look dark and the streets bare from lives, from people.

My heart, it is always being like a storm. Combine with the thoughts of my mind, working the gears producing stressing thoughts, all is washed away the moment a tiny droplet hits the surface. It has always been like that.

I remember when i had finished my school tuition. Being too deep with the numbers and principles, i really forgot to live. The sky seem to understand i was near to distress, harsh rain drops seem to hit every surface, hard. I thought there were tiny craters form after each hit on the concrete cement. I smiled. It has always been like that.

Grateful is the perfect word.

Have i been complaining? No.

I started the motorcycle, slowly, lazily. Feeling myself getting further and further away drifted in my thoughts. Feeling on the raindrops hit on my skin, feeling them pierced through the clothes that have enveloped my body. This was calm. Im alive.

Looking upon the dark sky, wondering why i have dark thoughts. Am i a monster, or there is a monster inside me. Fumbling with the books that are wet, adjusting the mirror and ditching the helmet. I went on, stepping the gas harder and feel the raindrops started to pierce my skin harder that it stinged and it felt good. Like someone had been massaging and hitting those acupuncture spots in my face. It has always been like that.

I really love rain. Even until now. I had always refuse the offer for umbrella, or anything that can shield me against the rain. I love the rain, i wont even hide. I want to dance, throw anything away. Only left me with the rain against the world. But i dont do it. It has always been like that. Darn you self-consciousness.

"you are going to get sick! Come here under this umbrella."

"i wont get sick, plus the meds. I have meds even if i get sick"

Not much to say, i did indeed caught fever that night. But i never felt better. I felt alive through the pain. After all the pain kept me alive. I didnt take the meds, didnt even to bother. My pain cannot be heal by taking meds. It will never heal.

It is just the rain, distracting me. Being the medium between me and my pain. It is about the coldness it left behind after being graced in its presence. I love it.